


Don't Swim

by xscarshadow



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-11 03:48:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4420067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xscarshadow/pseuds/xscarshadow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil are married but Phil's in love with someone else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Swim

**Author's Note:**

> based off the song 'Don't Swim' by Keaton Henson (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZpxqVUY7XU)

_**Where have you been, my love?** _

 

Phil won’t kiss me like he did. I never even try to kiss his lips anymore, some days he’ll let me kiss his cheek but it’s not that often I try nowadays. He used to kiss me like he loved me. He used to kiss me all the time. Sometimes a small peck on the cheek at the BBC to remind me he loved me, or one of those deep passionate kisses that make you forget you need air to live.

He doesn’t hold my hand when we walk down the street. He acts like he’s dropped something to get out of it, or straight up shrugs me off and glares at me until I back off.  
He never says ‘I love you’ back, I can’t remember the last time he said he loved me. One day it just stopped, but I still tell him I love him every day. “I love you” I tell him every morning, he only nods at me and walks away to finish his coffee.

He sleeps in his room now. We used to sleep in my room. That was our room. Some nights I ask to sleep with him, whenever I’m having a particularly bad night and don’t want to be alone. He tells me that he wants space and I can sleep in his room the next night. He says that every night.

We never do anything together anymore. We don’t go out together, he leaves without telling me where he’s going, and leaves without telling me he’s going anywhere at all until I’m left alone in our flat.

He’s avoiding me.

 

**_I've been right here waiting for you to wake up_ **

 

“Are we okay?” I’d ask him on the rare occasions he bothered to eat with me.

“Yeah, why do you ask?” He’d smile and act like everything was fine.

“I don’t know. You seem… distant and unhappy.”

“Dan, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”

I never believed him. He was lying through his teeth.

 

**_And how can you sleep knowing_ **  
**_That you'd be much better off there with him_ **  
**_And promising to never let me in_ **

 

There was a boy Phil loved more than he could ever love me. His name was Nigel. Phil had met Nigel about three years after we started dating. Nigel was always more Phil’s friend than mine but we got along well enough.

They were always happy together. Nigel made Phil happier than I ever could. I never made Phil smile or laugh like that, not even once.

I was jealous.

 

**_And I was better where_ **

**_I was miserable, why didn't you leave me there?_ **

 

I feel like it would’ve been better if I never met Phil, or if he and Nigel were friends before I came along. This was worse. It was worse watching the person I love who I thought loved me slipping away, and leaving me for someone else. Someone that he actually loved.

 

**_And I love you, please don't go_ **

 

Oh how I wanted him to stay, oh how I wanted him to be mine and only mine.

I longed for the Starbucks dates, the Manchester eye, the late nights watching films, crying over wall-e. The first hugs, and cuddles, and the kisses. I longed for the ‘I love you’s’ that I believed were true. I wanted that back. I wanted the times when we were happy and in love, when nothing else mattered as long as we were together.

 

**_But don't you sit there looking like you know_ **  
**_That I'm the one that kept you from your home_ **

 

He hates me. I feel like he does.

I know it’s been my fault for years that he hasn’t been happy. The first three years of our relationship were perfect but it keeps falling apart more and more.  
Phil will never voluntarily leave me, not yet anyways. He may not be in love with me but he still cares about me to some degree. He still shows it some days, maybe when I’m especially stressed out he’ll offer to make hot chocolate or hold me and watch shows with me.

It’s not the same as before. I feel like he does it more out of guilt.

 

**_Oh my love,_ **  
**_Tell him that you will meet him at ten_ **

 

“I’m meeting Nigel for lunch,” Phil told me. “Like you suggested.”

I nodded and smiled at him a bit. As much as I love Phil I can’t live knowing that I’m the one holding him back from the person he loves most. More than anything I’d love for him to stay with me but the truth is he doesn’t love me like he did anymore. Every day I saw the way he looked at me, like everything was my fault. I was his ball and chain.

I loved him with my whole heart but I had to let him go. I couldn’t keep him forever.

 

**_Oh my love,_ **  
**_Just don't let me see him again_ **

 

“Phil, I’m home!” I called as I walked in. No answer.

I walked around a while, into the bathroom, in the lounge, the kitchen, but no. He was in his room as usual, but this time it was different.  
I heard Phil grunting and moaning along with another voice I couldn’t identify. He was cheating on me. I should’ve expected it, I shouldn’t have been mad but I was furious.

Without thinking I barged into his room and slammed the door open. “What the fuck is wrong with you!? You haven’t even left me yet and you’re already fucking someone else? In our bed, not even when I’m away for the weekend but when I could come home at any time!”

“Dan, get out!” Phil yelled back at me.

“No! Get Nigel out, this apartment is still half mine and I want him out right fucking now!” I cried and sobbed as they hurried to dress themselves and Phil ushered Nigel out of the apartment. I was the one that told him to meet with Nigel, I’m the one that encouraged him to while we were still living together and legally married but I couldn’t stand to see it. I couldn’t see it happening in the same apartment we made our home, our safe place where he used to tell me he loved me. Not now, not ever.

“Dan, babe, I’m sorry.” Phil reached out to hug me but I shrugged him away.

“Fuck you, don’t touch me.”

“Babe-“

“Don’t you fucking dare!”

 

**_I just don't think I can lie_ **  
**_And not tear out both his eyes_ **

 

“Dan, I love you, not him.” He would say.

**_Don't lie_ **

“I want to be with you.”

**_Don't lie_ **

“You make me so happy.”

**_Don't lie_ **

“I’m not going to leave you.”

_**Don't** _


End file.
